This is a rant post. I don't do them so often but hey I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m in my twenties man, I'm TWENTY! I now have ample right to turn into an intolerant, bitter, old bitch.
I live in Elephant and Castle (representing south of the river, kk) and it's a complete shit hole. You walk past the Causeway roundabout past 10pm you're gonna get fucked up. Go near the estate? Don't even think about it if you value your phone, wallet, or left kidney.
But the good thing is you can walk 10 minutes to the Thames, where the likelihood of getting assaulted by gangs drops about 45%, to an average of around a 1 in 10 chance down from like 1 in 3. Yeah, I can't do maths and I won't pretend I can. I spent my maths lessons in school drawing cocks and people smoking joints on the table in maths class with Alan (I know how mature). So I don't know maths kk.
Anyway, now I like to get away from E+C cos it’s a piece of crap, unless you like getting stabbed. So I always walk to the Thames if I’m going out to meet people and try to avoid going anywhere near that disgusting excuse for a 'shopping centre' which looks like something from before architecture even existed in the 119068500s and someone decided to stick a block of bricks on the floor and call it a development, crowning it with a giant elephant and a crown in the shape of a castle, fucking imaginative.
I’m ranting about shit now; my main purpose of this blog is tourists.
So, I’m walking away from this place, trying to get to somewhere decent where I can have a fucking whiskey god damnit, but a walk to Soho that should take 30mins takes me an hour+ cos of TOURISTS AND STUPID PEOPLE.
I'll tell you about my journey.
The walk itself, should be quite nice...I go past the Thames, London bridge, Big ben to the left, Westminster Abbey to the right, Trafalgar square, good stuff. But, HELLO TOURISTS.
So, I’m walking across London Bridge and a hand starts getting waved in my face 'stop stop' in some sort of aggressive manner it shouts, I’m thinking what the hell is this? The waving continues and said person tries to clear the street as they back towards the road to take a damn photo of their family posing and smiling sweetly against the bridge whilst either side of the waving woman crowds of people gather up waiting to go past who daren’t try to go past as they may feel the wrath of the waving woman’s hand, as I found out. Fuck this, I’m wearing 5 inch heels here and I’m trying to get to my whiskey, get fucked tbh. So I just walk past, fuck your damn photo. The woman starts waving again, as I’m walking past and I get a swift smack around the head with her hand. WHAT. THE. FUCK WOMAN? I stare in disbelief as this small thing starts swearing and the masses that had crowded around her start to dissipate, thankful they can finally move and the woman gets swamped in people passing, her precious photo ruined for the sake of everyone else, forgive me if I’m not sorry.
Ok, so I swear under my breath at this idiotic person, rubbing my head and I’m at the traffic lights, which in London are packed so bad you can't move as people are waiting to cross, you’re stuffed next to 100 strangers and all you wanna do is cross the damn road and OH HELLO TOURISTS, of course, they think it's a wonderful idea to have KODAK MOMENT!! Yes yes, they think, let’s push all these English people out the way so I can get ample range on my camera and take a photo as we are stuffed like sardines in the middle of the road! Yayay, fun times, cue said tourist elbowing me in the face and shoving everyone back to get this treasured image, wtf were you raised by? I've even seen people get pushed over by this tourist activity, and once it was even an elderly woman. Thank you, ignorant people.
They also don’t seem to understand exactly how traffic lights work. They are red, you wait, they are green you go. No, no, they don’t like this. It’s red, LETS RUN they think, what a good idea as the nearly get run over by a black cab and swiftly run back into the massive crowd, waiting patiently to cross when it actually is green, they push everyone out of the way to get a space back in the waiting area, and trample on everyone. Black taxis in London, don’t stop for ANYONE, and especially not you, thank you for stamping on my toes and ruining my shoes...and probably pushing over another old woman.
So I got past the traffic lights, my beautiful pink shoes now bearing a large brown scuff, but relatively unharmed unless I’m an elderly woman, so god help me one day. I'm walking past Trafalgar square, well more like dodging incoming pushchairs, avoiding large bags being smacked across my head or breasts, which some evidently are, and I’m weaving between couples holding hands because to them, unlinking sweaty palms HURTS SO MUCH!
I turn around to corner towards Soho where the road is relatively quiet compared to beforehand and boom! I see a group of people like a traffic jam of cars piling back a few feet, they are trying to weave their way around something, but what is it, what is causing this pavement jam! Ahh, HELLO TOURISTS! There are 8 or 9 of them, in a line, sometimes they are even holding hands like children in a playground, only they don’t skip; it’s far too fast for them. They are walking, sorry, crawling along the road, taking up the entire width of the pavement, without a space leaving a tailback of 10 or 15 people trying to get past them, without a thought for them they continue to dwindle along, cameras in hand, without a space. People in business suits and briefcases trying to get past after a long 10 hours day at the office, people with their kids, drained, trying to get home with their shopping and me, trying to get to my damn whiskey, AH-HA! Tourist number 1 says. They stop. Smack. The woman behind walks straight into one of them, the woman with her kids smashes into her and her children start crying. The tourists 'umm and ahh' in unison as they grab their cameras and take photos of 10 Downing street, still in a line, still completely blocking everything behind them and stare at the security outside the Prime Ministers house looking like a kid on Xmas as their Mommy bought them a Barbie, chaos unravels behind them, they remain completely oblivious. I take the moment to break the chain between tourist number 4 and 5 and they look at me in disbelief as if I have broken their world. The mother picks up her children and takes her dash to freedom, and the businessmen pick up the pace for they are free! ...And I am closer to my whiskey!
I could continue but, I can’t waste my fingers on typing more about these completely ignorant and manner less people.
Welcome to London.